Tuesday, February 14, 2006
From: Colonel Sanders
To: Pakistani Students
Re: Why me??
Dear my Pakistani students friends,
I am writing concerning the distrubing news I saw today on HNN (Heaven News Network). Today you, for the zillionth time, burned me. I just want to ask the simple innocent question: why me??? Why burn me???
I went on the internet and did a little research on the number of times you burned me verses the number of times you burned my good friend Ronald McDonald. I surpassed Ronald. Why?? Am I synonymous of US power? I don't think so. I'm just an old man who used to cook chicken. I don't fry B52 aircrafts, I fry chicken. One of the weakest animals on earth! By the way, the prophet Muhammad loves my chicken. He places an order almost everyday. Moses was hesitant to order KFC when we first met, but I assured him they're Kosher. However, Jesus doesn't eat my chicken, he likes fish. Buddha doesn't eat KFC either; he says they're not healthy especially since he has an already big belly.
Anyway, I don't see any reason for burning me and my shops. Just like my good old friend and competitor Ronald McDonald, you can find my face in almost all the countries of this world. I employ thousands of your brothers and sisters and my international outlets are owned by local entrepreneurs. My main mission in life is to combine the good crispy taste of my chicken with the fun you can get when you visit one of my branches around the world. So why burn me?? Why cause misery to your brothers who work in my branches and damage your reputation around the world?
Besides, instead of burning me, why not try to learn from me in order to improve your sorry countries. I was a retired colonel with a chicken recipe. I visited hundreds of restaurants in order to sell my recipe and make a better living. All what I got was a big NO from all these restaurants. I didn't give up. I used to sleep in my car waiting for my YES. The day came when I heard that word and I became a multimillionaire afterwards. So instead of burning me and further tarnishing your image and the image of your religion, it would be much better for you to learn how I managed to reach success and try to copy what I did.
There is another thing that really really pissed me off. I somehow understood the motives behind your behavior when you burned me during the Palestinian intifada and before the war in Iraq. I simply can't understand why you burned me today? You were protesting against some cartoons published in a Danish newspaper (I heard they were published 4 months ago, my goodness!). What business do I have in this?? Why did you f*ckin burn me (I hope no prophet is around)? OK you burned Ronald today as well, but why did you burn us?? I fry chicken and Ronald makes hamburgers. I have no relations whatsoever with Danish cows. Well, Ronald does have some relations with Danish cows. The clown makes cheese burgers. Still, you shouldn't have burned him because of cheese burgers!!
Last but not least, I have a message for you from one of my biggest customers, the prophet Muhammed. He is informing you that he's not concerned about 12 cartoons published in a single newspaper in Denmark and he's just asking you to grow up!